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A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Mary, the distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John.
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear John, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary
My Next Life
I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
It happened last week as I was walking back from a job interview. We have quite a few umbrellas in this house what with the OH working on the trains. As I was dressed rather smart and the weather was bad I took the largest umbrella we had,not one I had used before in fact it was not long in the house.
When I left the interview it was raining so up with the umbrella, at first I couldn't push it hard enough to catch but managed it eventually after having pushed it so hard at one point that it had gone all the way up and over to inside out. I'm walking along minding my own when wallop, lights out ( dark blue umbrella ) and my arms are pinned to my side ( very large umbrella ). It was most disorientating and it took me more than a few moments to fathom out how on earth I was gonna get out of this with my arms pinned to my sides and the bit of the umbrella I needed to reach at about nose level on the inside. It was like it was spring loaded and took a fair bit of opening up I can tell you. So I arrive back in the outside world, my hair everywhere having got caught several times on the interior of the umbrella, rather flushed with a scrape mark up one side of my face to see two brightly clothed asian ladies on the other side of the road in complete hysterics, one of them was bent over laughing and could hardly catch her breath and the other was desperately trying to see if her friend was ok through her tears. I smiled at them and nodded and carried on my way without the use of the umbrella most thankful they were the only people I had to face who had seen me trapped in an umbrella. Im sure there were a few bemused drivers
as they passed me by and maybe someone looking out of a window or shop but I didnt have to face them.Id rather jump out of a plane again than get stuck in that umbrella. I havent thrown it away. I am going to keep it until my youngests boyfriend needs the use of an umbrella and lend it to him with no warning of its capabilities.
Show us what makes you unique.
My brain makes me unique. It governs my hormones, its where my thoughts are and information is processed ~ no-one has else has one just like it.
Thought I would give this a go after seeing it on good friends Bookmole Vox. (This is she who is Sid . . . . .all becomes clear further down the page.)
this is a Icosidodecadodecahedron, I guess it has 44 sides as that is the age I will be next birthday and I did type in 44.
Well the only place in the world which isnt in England which I would possibly get on a plane across vast amounts of water to visit is Jamaica and particularly this house. It was where Bob Marley lived, got shot and is now a museum of Bob Marleys life.
Bradenham Buckinghamshire. This place is about 6 miles from where I live and I am reliant on the OH to take me and the hounds here in the car. It is a fantastic place to walk, woods, fields, bridleways, paths and very pretty at any time of year. You can do a quick 20 min walk or spend hours and hours here. You get great views across the Chilterns countryside.
These are clickers. I use them in dog training. What a great bit of kit. I run clicker training days myself a few times a year to show others how with this little plastic box you can build a stronger relationship with your dog through understanding.
I can be a bit funny about my food. One day I like something and the next I've gone off it. I have a dietry history insomuch that I have been anorexic and mostly a slim person throughout my life. In the past I have struggled to put weight on, even when eating loads including big bars of chocolate and nuts late at night. ( and I mean by the pound).
My fav animal has to be dogs.There is so much they can do for us and great fun to be had with them. There is a dog for everyone.
Purple thats my colour. Not that I wear it as it makes me look ill but I love purple things. I chose this pic from those available on the page as Iris are also one of my fav flowers.
I was born in Kingsbury Hospital though for years I always said Edgware. I dont know if there is still a hospital there now.
I moved here two years ago from Harrow. Much nicer here. The air is fresher and it feels open and spacious. It was my involvement with Hearing Dogs for Deaf People which persuade me out this way. I used to travel up from Harrow every week to do voluntary dog walking for a day and then notice on the way home how gloomy and enclosed Harrow feels. Me and my Danes are a recognisable sight on the train to Northolt Park and back at least once a week.
Cha Cha was the name of my Mums budgie. He was blue and made quite alot of noise but never spoke as my Mum wouldve liked him too. She sang Danny Boy at him alot but he never sang it back although he listened intently.
First grown up true love was Paul, no not him above but a Paul all the same. He was from Truro and in the army ( 3LI ), his nickname was Pasty. He had smiling eyes. He got posted to Belfast and I got into drugs so that was that. I can see him plain as day any time I like in my mind and my heart still flutters a little.
I had a bit of a problem with this question as I am so lucky that I dont have a best friend, I have two and together they make the perfect best friend. One of them has a nickname, that being Sid, the other doesnt have a nickname but her name is Judi and she likes Judy Dench hence the pic. Most of the pics for Sid were of Sid Vicious, Sid not being his real name either.
Yes, I know that here I am Dogwoman but have you seen the pics for that? On just about every forum I am on I am known as Crazydiamond. By the way did you notice that his name isnt Syd firstly.
Think thats quite apt in some ways.
I googled my maiden name and came up with a namesake ~ Im not that pretty and a bit older and my hair only wants to be straight. I decided not to do my middle name.
Being untidy is a bad habit of mine. I was untidy as a teenager then went through a phase after my eldset was born of being far too tidy and clean ~ managed to come out the other side of that thank goodness and am now quite happily ( well only occasionally bothered ) untidy again.
Yep, I can do this. My first paid job was on a Saturday at the local dog grooming parlour. I can make puffy bits on Poodles too, though I am out of practise.
I dont know why this pic was under Eileen but I preferred it to those of all the other ladies called Eileen, none of whom reminded me of my Nanny.
I didnt stick it out at college when a teen. As an adult I have studied Canine Psychology aswell as other canine related topics. This book is by the late great John Fisher, the newer version is the one to read as he realised alot about modern training methods and changed his book, along with how he trained, accordingly.
What's your favorite appetizer to order at a restaurant?
All depends on the type of restaurant. In a chinese restaurant I might like to have some fried seaweed and seasame toast or crispy duck pancakes. I like to have stuffed mushrooms if I am going to eat a pasta main course and crispy breadcrumb garlic mushrooms if I am going to eat a steak.
Just a few pics from the other day to let you see that Byron and Boris are getting along fine together. 
Hope you like them
for looking
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the countergirl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They were on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
"I was behind you in McDonald's."
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon?...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that. . . Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.............
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees, a Ham Bush"
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